No, Your Kid Isn’t Lazy — The Economy Is Just Actually That Bad

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Imagine a guy on the phone, pacing back and forth, his phone pressed against his ear, raising his voice and trying to stay calm. He looks frustrated, huffing and puffing. “I’m not wasting money” will come out of his mouth countless times. He looks more and more annoyed. Inside the house, we all sit in silence, trying to ignore what’s going on, but we all know we can’t. After he finishes his call, he walks back in, goes upstairs, and immediately ignores everyone in the house.

Parents everywhere are in the exact same situation, and it is happening far too often.

Most of the time, parents don’t want to listen. They call you lazy and irresponsible; they aren’t looking at the facts themselves. The things they considered right back when they were younger don’t work now because the economy has changed. People aren’t trying to fail; just the rules are different now.

The numbers don’t lie either. According to a 2024 Reuters report on Gen Z finances, “46% of Gen Z adults still need monetary support from their parents.” They are also not able to save enough to retire and are nowhere near buying a house. This is also the same conclusion Pew Research came to: “45% say they are completely financially independent.” This is happening everywhere. Younger adults will live at home much longer than their parents.

Harvard’s housing study shows most renters spend 22.4 million, which means they spend more than 30% of their income on rent. That’s about half the renters in the country: “half of all US renters were cost burdened.” Topping the charts for most expensive rent is the state of California. Escaping the state is not easy, though. California’s rent is the highest in the nation. Rent eats the average Californian’s paycheck.

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This is not just an economics problem. It is a problem rooted in family, with parents looking at their adult children who are struggling and seeing some sort of laziness, rather than considering the situation and circumstances. And in that dynamic, something ruptures. Let’s go back to the phone call on the deck. What was his parents’ motivation? “I’m not wasting money.” “I’m not lazy.” “Stop acting like I’m failing on purpose.” None of those lines, in fact, pertain to money. They are defending their integrity and character.

Research evidence backs this up. A 2024 study by Johanna Peetz and colleagues, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, shows “financial worry was associated with seeing one’s partner as behaving less respectful, understanding, and supportive.” This shows people who are worried about money consider their partner’s behaviors as negative and evaluate them in a more negative way, even though, in reality, the partner’s behaviors have not changed at all. The anxiety creates an altered perception. Parents likely form the same distorted perceptions when evaluating their adult children’s financial behavior.

Financial psychotherapist Vicky Reynal wrote in her book, Often, money difficulties are the tip of the iceberg, that family money disputes are never about money. She says, “Often, money difficulties are the proverbial tip of the iceberg.” They are about shame, control, and the struggles of the parents that were passed through generations. The deck fight was not about a credit card statement; it was about the parents’ financial anxiety, as long as they could remember, directed at the closest target.

I think it is fair to consider challenges to this viewpoint. One common criticism is that many young people are financially irresponsible, buying expensive coffee and food and spending hundreds on concerts. Parents see this and don’t seem to think it is cruel not to help them financially. They think it is tough love. They believe their kids will learn from it, not helping them financially, just as they did.

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I think it is easy to see a point they are trying to make, and it is true, just not completely true. It is true that many young people don’t understand finances and spend their money poorly. Many young adults buy expensive, unnecessary items, like food and drinks. However, the research demonstrates that the latter factor, or not budgeting for small purchases like buying drinks, is not the primary factor. Even if you cut out every so-called expense, it still wouldn’t fix the problem of unaffordable housing, which is the primary concern. Framing the problem as poor self-control rather than a housing crisis only delays the real conversation.

First, parents need to consider what something actually costs before assuming their child is being lazy. Ask them about rent and groceries. You might be surprised, and if you are not a parent, don’t be oblivious. Teach your parents about what rent costs and what you pay, because many of them feel this way. Problems wouldn’t be as big if parents would stop treating them as personal failures, and when families think of big problems, the opposite might be true. Back to the scene on the deck, the pacing, the phone call, and the tense voice. It would have been better to skip the “you are wasting money” accusation and start a conversation about what is really happening. It’s not going to solve the problem with the economy or rent, but at least it’s a step toward restoring the family.